


Pluto butt bride Crowley

by Pronkbaggins



Category: Neopets, Supernatural
Genre: Brain cells will be lost, Butts, Crack, Greek Lore, M/M, Male / Male wedding, Pluto - Freeform, bizarre, stupid, trickery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-21
Updated: 2020-12-21
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:41:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 5,940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28209225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pronkbaggins/pseuds/Pronkbaggins
Summary: My sister gave me this prompt. Enjoy.
Relationships: Pluto/Crowley
Comments: 2
Kudos: 1





	1. Chapter 1

Sam followed Dean into the kitchen. 

“Dude...you’re acting weird. What happened?” Sam asked. 

“ME? I am acting weird? I’m not eating masta hoo crap or whatever that is and I sure as hell would never wash my hair with fruity shampoo” Dean grunted, cracking open a beer. 

“If you wash your hair at all, I’m sure it’d be with pine sap” Sam said, rolling his eyes. 

“Yeah, you know what---”

Dean never finished his sentence. The news came on the TV without any warning. 

“Thousands of people are fleeing the Capitol City because Pluto has decided to switch places with Earth. This is throwing the entire Universe off balance. We have no idea how this will affect the planet, but we think it will no longer support human life if we continue off our trajectory. One man says he can help. Astrophysicist Fergus McCleod reports live” a woman on the TV said. 

The TV panned over to Crowley who was wearing a veil and a suit. 

“Thank you, Angela” Crowley grinned “I know Pluto personally, and I can get him to reverse the trajectory of the planet at a small price. I would just need your department to sign a few contracts.”

“Oh that lying, cheating, son of a---” Dean said angrily.

“Dean. You need to call Cas. We have to stop him. That’s thousands of souls hanging in the balance!” Sam gasped. 

“And why is he wearing a veil…?” Dean wondered, cocking his head. 

Castiel appeared, his head hanging. “I heard your call, Dean.”

“I didn’t--”

“I heard your call, Dean” Cas repeated, pacing “this is a dire situation indeed. Crowley has warded the building against me. He has demons outside of it. It appears the Roman god Pluto has pulled a terrible stunt by making people believe the planets are going to trade places.”

“Of course, that’s impossible” Sam began “the gravity of our planet alone--”

“Cas, why is Crowley wearing a veil?” Dean demanded, putting his hands on his hips. 

Cas averted his eyes as Sam huffed at Dean. “This is the most disturbing news of all. Crowley is trying to woo Pluto into a marriage with him. The Roman god of the underworld teaming up with the King of Hell is quite a union.”

“But Crowley’s a dude” Dean protested. 

“So…?” Sam said, raising his eyebrows at Dean. 

“It’s….well” Dean stammered, his face screwing up like a screwdriver forgetting its soul. 

“The thing is” Castiel said, facing the wall “Pluto enjoys what you, Dean, would call ‘junk in the trunk’”

“Please never say that again” Dean groaned. 

“and he has no idea what Crowley looks like” Castiel continued, ignoring Dean. 

“Please stop talking” Dean demanded “this cannot be going where I think it’s going.” Sam also looked slightly horrified. 

“So Crowley has become a butt bride” Cas said, turning to face the boys. 

Dean looked like he was about to say something but closed his mouth and looked perplexed. He held out his hand and gestured as he said “okay that is not where I thought that was going. Like, at all.”

“Excuse me, did you say ‘butt bride’?” Sam asked worriedly. 

Cas sighed. “Let me show you” he said, touching both their foreheads. 

The boys were zapped directly in front of the Capitol building, which was swarming with demons. 

“I take no responsibility for what you see” Cas warned them “but I cannot go in there. Call me if you need me outside the building.”

“Cas--” Dean protested, but he was gone. 

Intensely stupid bridal music began to play. The Capitol building was adorned with pictures of the back of Crowley’s head and a veil. Underneath each picture it said ‘My Anaconda Don’t.’

Dean looked physically ill and held out his hands as if to brace himself. Sam frowned and swallowed. 

“We have to do this Dean” Sam said, standing stiffly and looking at Dean “we have to stop him.”

“I...yeah” Dean said “I agree, but this gay thing might be more your thing man”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever Dean” Sam laughed and Dean gave him a dirty look. 

A figure cloaked in darkness appeared and the crowd of demons cheered. 

“It is I, Pluto!” the shadowy figure said “people once worshipped me for who I truly was, but then that stupid Jesus came along with Lucifer and whatever, and now I only take a few sacrifices! I see this Crowley brought me the Winchesters as a wedding gift. I gladly accept this sacrifice.”

All of a sudden, before the demons could grab the Winchesters, Crowley appeared at the bottom of hte steps. He had full makeup on, a black veil, and a huge fake butt. 

‘Anaconda’ began to play in slow motion. 

The boys were stunned. So was Pluto. 

Crowley had clearly shaved and done his best to look female. “Oh, Pluto!” he gasped in a fake high pitched voice “how excited I am to lock lips with darkness itself. Do you think our mutual love of evil will cause hell on earth?”

“Crowley. You are much more masculine than I imagined. But I do enjoy a woman with a voluptuous figure” the man said with a frown. 

“Oh, well I can provide that” Crowley said, tapping his fake butt. 

Dean made a gagging sound. “Maybe we should die before we see this…” he whispered to Sam, who elbowed him. 

“I do appreciate you bringing me the Winchesters, though” Pluto said, looking at the boys with a crooked smile on his dark face. 

Crowley looked at the Winchesters and sighed. “Ah, yes, of course” he said in his high voice “these boys always cause so much trouble. Now let’s get this marriage done, shall we? I have the marriage contract right here. I would say till death do us part, but oh, I suppose we’re already way past those vows.”

Pluto took the contract from Crowley and began to read it. 

“How do you kill him?” Dean whispered to Sam. 

Sam shrugged, his hand on the Ruby knife. He gave Dean a look, and Dean nodded. 

Sam lunged at the demons around them and began killing them off. Dean took out his gun and was about to shoot when all of a sudden the whole world went dark. Even the demons looked shocked or the last second. 

“I do not approve of this marriage!” Pluto screamed “your butt is fake! You are not a real butt bride! Now I will replace Earth with Pluto!”

“Wait! Pluto!” Sam shouted, searching around in the dark for Dean “Pluto...you don’t have to do this! There is still a bride out there for you! Crowley was just stepping in her place because she is...uh….too beautiful and delicate to make it here!”

The lights barely turned back on. Pluto eyed Sam curiously. 

“Is this true?” he asked Crowley stupidly. 

“Of course” Crowley said with a shrug “I was just testing you.”

Pluto went to sleep for no reason and pulled an Odin, and the world went dark again.


	2. Rudolph Dean

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 2

“SON OF A B*TCH!” Dean screamed as it was so pitch black that he couldn’t even see his own hand in front of him. 

He had to find Sam, or they would be screwed. 

All of a sudden, sleigh bells began to ring out of nowhere. The demons shrieked and ran. Crowley let out a “not again” and was gone. 

“What is that????” Dean shouted to Sam. 

“No idea - sleigh bells? It’s not snowing…” Sam said, following Dean’s voice. 

Suddenly Dean felt someone boop his nose. His nose began to glow bright red. He pawed at it to see if something was on it, but it was just his nose. The light was awfully distracting, but at least he could see in front of him. 

“Dean...your nose…” Sam chuckled, walking up to him. 

“I know, I know, alright! I don’t get it! Someone touched me!” Dean groaned, using his face to survey their surroundings. Nobody was at the Capitol building anymore. 

“Dean looks so stupid” some random voice said. 

“Yeah, he’s dumb” another one said.

Sam stood next to Dean, whirling around everytime they heard a voice. 

Stupidly enough, these comments were hurting Dean’s feelings. He responded by clenching his jaw and getting a little angry. He wanted to lash out at these stupid people, whoever they were. 

“Hey it’s a moose!” someone shouted “he may not be one of us, but he can play!” 

Sam felt himself getting tugged away. “Woah!” he gasped, and Dean couldn’t grab him fast enough. Some invisible force took Sam and started shouting “woooo! Moose come play some video games with us!”

“Sam! Sammy!” Dean shouted in worry. 

Suddenly he could hear a bunch of laughter and Sam joining in. 

“Get away, Dean” the voices said “you can’t play with us. This is a game for the cool kids.”

Dean took out his gun and said “show yourselves, you cowards!”

“You’re the coward!” they shouted back. 

“You little--” Dean began, but then he felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned around and saw Santa staring him in the face. 

“I thought we killed you!” Dean growled, cocking his gun. 

“Oh ho ho ho Dean, I am no god” Santa chuckled “I am the real Santa”

“Yeah, and I’m a giraffe” Dean laughed fakely, about to shoot. 

“Your nose makes you very useful, Dean” Santa said “I am here to help you get rid of Pluto, but I need your help. I cannot see without your nose, and me and my elves need to get rid of these demons.”

Dean raised his eyebrows. “This is the stupidest ploy to get out of getting your head blown off I have ever---”

Suddenly, he realized that this was basically the Rudolph rhyme. He lowered his gun and felt so betrayed by the Universe. How could something this stupid happen? 

“Surprise!” Santa said, removing his beard to show he was Gabriel “and to think, I could have made you tug my sleigh.”

Dean stared at Gabriel, entirely unamused. After a few more seconds he lunged at the angel, who moved out of the way with a “woah woah woah! Hellllooo aggressive Rudolph! No no no that will not do.”

“I’ll kill you, you dick!” Dean growled, seeing Gabriel’s face illuminated in red because of his nose “now get Sam to stop playing games with whoever that is and put me back to normal!”

“Wow” Gabriel said, pulling his head back a little in confusion and counting on his fingers “you uh, you want the world to be shrouded in darkness again? Wow. I thought that was kind of not your thing. And you also want your brother to stop having fun? Selfish, selfish.”

“You shut your pie hole!” Dean growled again, lunging at Gabriel like a forest lunges at an opportunity to sign up for forest yoga lessons. 

Gabriel snapped his fingers and Dean’s nose grew three times bigger. 

“Now apologize or you’re stuck like that” Gabriel said as Sam’s laughter got three times louder even though it sounded forced, wherever he was. 

“Screw you” Dean said defiantly. 

Gabriel clicked his tongue. “Enjoy seeing red. Literally. Also you are getting coal for Christmas.”

“I will use it to burn you, then!” Dean said, regretting the words a little because they sounded so corny. 

“Gabriel! He’s sorry!” Sam shouted amidst his forced laughter. 

“I need to hear the words from Rudolph’s mouth” Gabriel grinned. 

“Fine! I’m sorry” Dean said, childishly crossing his fingers behind his back. Gabriel took it with a shrug, snapping his fingers so the world was light and everything was back to normal. 

Pluto was gone. Crowley was asleep for some reason. Sam was exhausted and Dean wanted to get out of here as fast as possible.


	3. Tappity tap it Dean

Dean checked Sam to make sure he was okay. Sam looked slightly stressed. 

“Dean, this happens to us way more than it’s supposed to” he sighed. 

“Well, at least the world isn’t going to be subject to uh, Cruto” Dean shrugged “and I’m no longer Santa’s b****”

“Cruto?” Sam asked curiously. 

“Crowley and Pluto” Dean shrugged “What?? what?? It just popped into my head.”

“Right” Sam chuckled, looking away with a smile on his face.

They were passing some shops and Sam had his hands in his jacket pockets. Dean was window browsing when he saw an interesting looking arcade being advertised in one. He patted Sam’s torso with the back of his hand to get his attention, his eyes still on the window shop. 

“Check it out” he said, pointing to the arcade happily. 

Sam blinked at the ad. “It says perfect for kids” Sam commented, looking at the pixellated cartoon figures on the poster. 

Dean’s smile faded but then came back again. “So?”

“Dean, we nearly had the world threatened by the Roman God of the Underworld and you want to play arcade games?” Sam said, his eyebrows raising as he took a hand out of his pocket to gesture. 

“Dude, arcade games are awesome” Dean said, pushing past Sam and wandering into the store. 

The store was really disappointing, except for something in the back of the room that pointed to a “Game Special!”

“You try?” the young Asian woman at the end of the store asked with a big smile, pointing at the game. 

“Oh, yes” Dean said excitedly, both about the woman and the game. 

“Good, good” the woman smiled “Tappity tap! Yes?”

“Uh….sure” Dean said, tempted to flirt with her. But he was more excited about the game. 

“Good good” the woman said, shaking Dean’s hand “this way.”

“Yeah, good luck Dean!” Sam shouted from the other side of the store, checking out a few ancient artifacts carefully. 

Inside there was a single button in a dark room. 

“You press, game begin” the Asian woman said with a smile, leaving and closing the door. 

“Woah, wait wait wait…” Dean protested, but she was gone. 

Dean knew he shouldn’t touch the button. He felt stupid for coming in here. His nerves on edge, he tapped the button lightly. 

“YOU WON YOU WON YOU WON YOU WON YOU WON!!!!!” the sounds blared like a train finding its true operatic voice. 

Lights flashed all over Dean and a man began to basically scream-announce “GOOOOOOD MORNING YOUNG MAN! ARE YOU READY TO TAPPITY TAP IT??!?! THAT IS RIGHT! THE 4D ARCADE GAME PLAYS YOU! YOU JUST HAVE TO TAPPITY TAP IT, AND YOU COULD WIN!!!!!! WHAT IS YOUR NAME?!!??!!”

“What the---what is this?” Dean sputtered, feeling his senses overloading as the walls began to flash with text saying ‘tappity tap it’

“That is a FUNNY NAME!” the voice blared “okay the game starts in 3…..2….”

“Wait! What am I supposed to do???” Dean asked in confusion, reaching for his gun. 

“1! Time to TAPPITY TAP IT!” the game screamed enthusiastically. 

All of a sudden tons of random shapes began showing up on the walls. Dean was really confused but tapped one nervously. Explosive amounts of cheering began to erupt. 

“Hurry up - you are LOSING!” the voice said “and if you don’t Tappity Tap It quickly, your loss could cost your HAIR!”

“What the---” Dean shouted over the voice, his gun drawn as he began to shoot at the shapes that were appearing out of nowhere. 

“WOAH HO HO HO!” The voice laughed “YOU TAPPED TOO HARD! Tappity TAP IT requires a GENTLE TOUCH! Try again! You have 30 seconds until level 2!”

“How do you STOP THIS THING?” Dean shouted, tapping all kinds of things at random. 

“YOU WON YOU WON YOU WON YOU WON! You win a soap bar! Level 2 requires samurai skills! Hope you can beat it, or you lose your palms!”

“That’s it---I’m out of here” Dean gasped, trying to find a door desperately “Sam! Sam! Help me out of here!”

Sam heard Dean shouting and kicked the door down. The room screamed like a chicken about to have an aneurysm. Stuffed animals began to flow out of the ceiling, covering Dean. Sam pulled him out, dragging some stuffies with them inadvertently. 

“Ugh, I thought I’d die in there!” Dean said “I thought games were fun!”

“Dean, these plushies are shaped like fat rhinoceros and say ‘Tappity Tap It Dean, You Won’” Sam said, holding up one of them. 

“How did they know my name?” Dean asked, disturbed. The plushie was kind of cute. He tucked one under his jacket. 

Sam shrugged. “Anyways, I think we have a case”

Dean groaned. “Can’t we relax for one second?”

“Nope” Sam smiled “this one will be right up your alley. Dinosaurs.”

Dean was listening.


	4. "Spike! Do NOT eat that plant!"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Enter Land Before Time.

Sam cleared his throat and pulled out his smart phone. “So get this - New York, they’re not sure if it’s a dinosaur or a dragon, or both--”

“I’ve had enough dragons for a lifetime” Dean lied. 

“Yeah, me too” Sam nodded “anyways, in New York there are three dead because there is this dinosaur that is apparently eating some kind of native bush or tree or something and it becomes violent. People are more concerned by the violence than the dinosaur.”

“What the --- give me that” Dean exclaimed, snatching the smartphone from Sam. 

Sam shrugged and said “read it for yourself.”

On Sam’s smart phone was a picture of Manhattan with a cartoon dinosaur stupidly looking at a floating leaf. The headline read “DO NOT EAT THAT PLANT: DOES THIS DINOSAUR WANT US ALL DEAD?”

“Did you pick this up at a joke website?” Dean scoffed, scrolling through it briefly and handing it back. 

“No joke, Dean. It’s on the New York police radio too. Want to drive up there?”

“Heck, why not” Dean said, kind of curious “we do weird all the time.” 

The drive was long and Dean had his mind on other things, like pie and how great this Bon Jovi song was. He hoped Sam would sleep through it so he could rock out to it a little more. 

Finally, they entered the main city. The tall buildings were so weird for them, they were used to small dingy towns. As they pulled onto the highway, they saw something going on at one of the parks. People were screaming and flooding into the crammed streets like a baker escaping his adopted pastry child wielding a truffle. 

A stupid cartoon dinosaur was approaching one of the bushes in the article. 

“NO! Spike! Do NOT eat that plant!” a little girl screamed. 

The boys pulled up and parked the impala quickly. “What do we do???” Sam asked, gun drawn. 

“I think I recognize that thing” Dean said, cocking his head at Spike who ate the plant and suddenly ballooned to 300 times the size. 

“Oh crap!” Dean yelled, shooting at it. Nothing happened. 

“When are we going to be done with cartoons?” Sam said nervously, trying to dodge its giant feet. 

“I don’t know!” Dean yelled again, and Spike began to grow bigger and bigger. 

Sam’s mind raced and Dean thought about the hunts he went on with Dad since Sam was away. Finally they both looked at each other and gave up. 

“They called it Spike, right?” Dean said, knowing it sounded familiar. Sam shrugged. 

“Maybe we can talk to it” Dean suggested, shoving Sam forward to volunteer him. 

Sam frowned and swallowed, approaching the stupid dinosaur. “Uhhh, Spike? Uh could you stop?”

Spike turned to Sam and shook his head and disappeared faster than a ventriloquist disappears after he turns in his false head massager.


	5. Purple Ogre Smack Harry & Ed

“You did it, Sammy” Dean laughed, slapping Sam on the back with another snicker. Sam was not as amused. 

“Okay, I have no idea what just happened” Sam said “but I still feel like we’re not done here.”

“I feel like we are” Dean chuckled “time to hit the New York bars.”

“Are you sure you’re not going to sneak into a Broadway musical?” Sam grinned. 

“Shut up, who does that?” Dean said, his plans foiled. 

On their way to a nice restaurant, they caught some chatter about a haunted hotel nearby. Sam listened in. 

‘Three people saw the figure in the mirror, and then she winds up dead the next day?’ a man whispered. 

‘It’s just a myth, Charles! It’s a tourist trap!’ a woman gasped. 

“Excuse me, miss” Dean said, coming up behind the lady “Agent Loud, undercover agent. What was this about a haunting?”

Luckily Dean had his FBI ID on him. 

“Who is this?” the woman asked, looking at Sam. 

“He’s a convict I just arrested” Dean laughed and Sam frowned. 

“I’m Agent Slap--uhhh Slamdinky” Sam said, looking at his badge and frowning at Dean who was stifling a smile. 

“Well, agents” the woman said “there’s nothing to see here. It’s merely some stupid myth. They say the Og Cavern Hotel is simply haunted to the brim with ghosts, and people think the recent death is because of Lady Oog.”

“What?” Dean said, stifling another smile as Sam rolled his eyes. 

“Okay, can we find the victim’s family, closest kin?” Sam said, taking out a notepad. 

They made their way to the house of a woman related to Lady Oog. She lived in a small random hut in the middle of the giant skyscrapers in the city. Everything in her house was purple. 

“Oh yes, hello agents” a hunched over lady with giant teeth smiled “your other agents are here. Four in a day! Amazing.”

“Oh you have got to be kidding me” Sam said through gritted teeth. 

Behind the lady were two men covered in gear from head to toe. They were painted purple and were very recognizable. 

“Not THESE two douche nozzels” Harry sighed “when did the FBI begin to send amateurs to an expert’s job?”

“Boys” Ed scoffed “we’ve got this covered.”

“Covered my---” Dean began and Sam stepped forward. 

“ ‘Agents’ “ Sam said “we appreciate the help. Please step out, we’ll handle this.”

“Oh ho ho. Right. That’s a good one” the Ghost Facers laughed “like you two know anything about the Oog family or the Purple Ogre Smack.”

“Um” Dean frowned “how much have you been drinking?”

“Oh but he’s right” the old lady said “the Purple Ogre Smack killed the Lady Oog’s relatives!”

“Yeah we filled her in” Ed said proudly “I didn’t expect you two to know anything about it.”

Dean walked over to Ed aggressively and Ed backed up quickly. “Woah woah, okay we’ll tell you a little bit about it! Come with me.”

On their way to the Og Cavern Hotel, Harry began to talk about how a purple ogre would appear when ghosts were haunting a place and he would try to smack the ghosts, but instead smacked the victim. Thus, the victim died. 

“That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” Dean sighed “ogre’s aren’t real.”

“Pft, amateurs” Ed chuckled to himself “you wouldn’t know anything about the supernatural if it bit you in the face.”

Sam and Dean exchanged pained glances. 

The Og Cavern Hotel was like a mud hut in the middle of the city. There were only 3 rooms and they all looked like mansions on the inside. There were portraits of stupid ogres everywhere. 

“You have to dress up in purple to be invisible to the ogre” Harry explained “but oops, looks like you two missed the memo. So why don’t you leave this to us?”

“You listen right now” Dean said, walking up to Harry and tapping the gun on his hip “you tell us how to ice this sucker and we won’t have any problems. Now you grab your partner here and get the hell out before you get yourself or anyone else hurt.”

A stupid growly sound came from behind Dean and he turned to see a purple ogre. 

“Ghost” the ogre said, pointing to Sam. 

Sure enough, there was a ghost behind Sam trying to braid his hair. Sam jumped away just as the ogre tried to slap the ghost and nearly slapped him. 

“I think dad mentioned something like this!” Dean remembered. 

Sam gave Dean a ‘wtf’ face. 

Dean took in a breath and gritted his teeth. “They’re called Og-Ogs and they’re from Indonesia. You have to find a sleeping potion that puts them into hibernation. Then they show up in some random country and wake up 25 years later.”

“What the actual hell Dean” Sam said, his face so done just like a baked banana king forgetting to re-light his bangs. 

“I’m not making this up, but I wish I was” Dean said “I was only four when he hunted one. You need the hair of a loser and a flannel plaid shirt and a chant. I think I remember it.”

Sam plucked one of the Ghost Facer’s hair as they said ‘hey!’ and handed over his own shirt. 

Dean looked really pained as he waited for the ogre to show up. He threw the shirt and hair on the ogre and said “go away big purple ogre. Nostre nostre damnit.”

The ogre disappeared and Sam looked like he wanted to quit the world. Dean turned around in embarrassment and said “let’s get the hell out of New York.”


	6. Roger 101 Dalmatians Bobby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bobby encounters an unfortunate thing.

On the way out of New York, Dean heard a phone ring in the glove box of the impala. 

Sam reached for it and found one of their old phones. “Hello?” he answered. 

“Ya gotta help me” Bobby’s voice came. 

“Bobby?” Sam said, looking at Dean in concern. Dean grew worried as he heard who was on the phone. 

“They’re gonna skin ‘em all” Bobby said in concern “Help!”

The phone hung up. Dean swung the impala around and head straight to South Dakota. He drove as fast as he could without stopping, Sam calling Bobby nonstop the entire way with no answer. 

They finally arrived after not sleeping for a day or two. Dean jumped out of the car faster than a truck driver who drank an entire swamp filled with nyquil and coffee. 

“Bobby! Bobby!” he shouted as Sam got them some weapons. 

Bobby walked out of the house, his hair slicked back and his style very casual. He had a sweater tied around his neck and was wearing a comfy British vest and slacks. A pipe was in his mouth. 

“Oh! I see” Bobby said in a forced British accent “you’ve come to help dear old Roger.” He took the pipe out of his mouth to puff on it a little bit. 

“Okay, this is worse than I thought” Dean muttered, going up to Bobby to slap him to see if he’d wake up. 

“Oh! How RUDE!” Bobby said, looking at Dean defiantly “but I am so glad you heeded my call. That woman is a wretch, if you ask me. These puppies are living beings! I will not stand for Cruella’s bloody business!”

“Oh no. I think he thinks he’s Roger from 101 Dalmations” Sam groaned. 

“Huh? Oh….I think I remember that movie” Dean said, sighing as he went to his dad’s journal. It helped last time. 

“Come on in for some biscuits and tea, my fellow friends” Bobby said charmingly, looping his arms with Sam and Dean. 

“Bobby, no!” Dean protested, and Sam just looked uncomfortable. 

“Here it is!” Dean gasped, pointing to a page that had a drawing of Roger from 101 Dalmations with a large arrow pointing to text that said ‘smoke weed and bathe vic in holy water.’

“Well, I like the first part but uhhhh” Dean said jokingly. 

“What the heck was dad ACTUALLY doing all these years?” Sam said with a frown as Bobby hummed ‘Cruella Deville’ under his breath and began making tea. 

Dean searched around for pot and finally found some. “Sorry Sam, we have to do this.”

“UGH” Sam sighed. 

They filled a tub with holy water and got high enough as they managed to dump Bobby into the tub. Bobby protested in a lot of British slang but finally turned normal. 

“What are ya idgits doin’ in my house while I’m in my bath??? Is that POT I smell? I’da expected better of you boys” Bobby growled. 

“Huh?” Dean said, feeling super chill. 

“Why did you smoke?” Bobby frowned “oh no, did I have the damn Roger spell put on me again? You know that you only have to put me in holy water, right? No pot. That was just something John did for fun.”

“WHAT?” Sam protested, feeling high strung all of a sudden. 

Dean had fallen asleep in the corner.


	7. Tuskaninny Sam

They crashed at Bobby’s that night. Sam was having a weird dream after falling asleep with his laptop on his lap. He felt like he was slightly tubbier, but it felt natural. He had a soft face and long long front teeth….

“Sammy. It’s 6 am. We slept in” Dean groaned, waking Sam up “rise and shine.”

“Dean, I was having a really important dream” Sam said, feeling like it was important. 

“Oh? How many girls? Midget girls? Were they even girls?” Dean joked, a proud smirk on his face. 

“Whatever Dean” Sam said, getting up and running his fingers through his hair. He went into the shower and continued to feel strange. It just felt natural to be in the water. 

He decided to take a bath instead, even though he barely fit in the tub. His hair was feeling so slick in the water. His arms were feeling flatter. He just seemed to be naturally aquatic in a way. He felt like he wanted to check into a neolodge. 

“Sam! It’s been 40 minutes. You hurt?” Dean yelled, rapping on the door. 

Sam touched his flippers to his soft belly. “I’m famished!” he cried out “and I’m bored! Can I have a petpet?”

“What?” Dean asked “uh Sam, I’m going to come in with food if you don’t come out soon, okay?”

“Alright. I’m famished!” Sam repeated “can we play a game or something? How about Meerca Chase? That sounds fun.”

“Whatever Sam, you’re probably still high” Dean said as he left. 

Sam looked down at his flippers and touched his long tusks. He relaxed in the water until Dean rapped at the door again. 

“Cover up dude, I’m coming in” Dean said, picking the lock on the door and coming in with food. He dropped the tray. 

“WHAT THE---”

“Dean!” Sam the Tuskaninny said, covering himself even though he was a tuskaninny so there was no need. 

Dean had his gun drawn on Sam. “What did you do to my brother?”

“What? It’s me, Dean” Sam said. His hair was still intact as were his sideburns. He flopped so he was facing Dean more, crawling out of the tub somewhat. 

“NO! You are a...a...a….I don’t even know!” Dean gasped “you look like a cartoon! Like a neopet or something!”

“A neopet?” Sam said and Dean blushed a little. 

“Castiel” Dean prayed hard “please fix Sammy. Please.”

Cas showed up, He looked at Sam and cocked his head. “Sam. You look better than when you were drinking demon blood. Dean, what can I do?”

“Fix it!” Dean said, gesturing obviously to Sam. 

Cas shrugged and waved his hand. Sam was suddenly on the ground scrambling for his clothes with a heavy hollow gasp. “GUYS! Get out! A little privacy please!”

“I don’t understand. I come here often when Dean--” but Cas disappeared before he finished. 

Dean left the room feeling scarred.


	8. Fake Butt Bobby

Dean went downstairs to seek some comfort from Bobby. He did this by trying to stand stoically with a beer until Bobby would ask him if he was okay. 

But Bobby was in no such mood. He was sitting and watching his little television, which was covering the news story about Pluto. 

“Crazy world” Bobby said, rolling his eyes at the TV.

“Heh, yeah” Dean said “uh….you notice anything weird about Sam?”

“You brothers need to learn to communicate” Bobby complained, glancing at Dean “what’s eatin’ you?”

“Sam was a uh…..a tuskaninny, a uh, a cartoon and then Cas fixed him and he was showering and uh yeah” Dean said awkwardly.

“Yeah. This is what happens when you smoke pot, boys. I always told ya” Bobby said, shifting uncomfortably. 

“Maybe…” Dean trailed, pretty sure that was not it. 

Bobby stood up and said “want another beer?”

Dean looked at Bobby in utter dismay. He was wearing his normal baggy jeans and baseball cap, but his butt was huge. 

“My eyes are up here, ya idjit” Bobby said, rolling his eyes. 

“Uhhh….Bobby….uh….” Dean said, gesturing to Bobby’s butt area.

“Ya got a problem, boy?” Bobby frowned. 

Dean opened his mouth and tried to say something but closed it and said “uh…..no?”

“It’s in, okay?” Bobby said, leaving the room. 

“I think I’m going to uh, wash out my brain with acid” Dean said, walking into another room as Sam walked in awkwardly and saw Bobby’s butt. 

“What????” Sam said in shock. 

“I got a whole room of ‘em if you boys want to try ‘em on” Bobby said “maybe Dean’ll stop starin’, then”

“I think I’m going to need to cleanse my brain forever” Dean gagged even though he may not mind it.


	9. English trombone pooza Ruby

Sam tried to relax on the couch since Dean was over in the bathroom trying not to think about what just happened. Sam was still tired, He took in a few deep breaths and was fast asleep. 

“Morning, sunshine” a familiar female voice said. 

Something about the voice was comforting, but sent warning bells through Sam’s head. He opened his eyes to see a pretty pair of brown eyes looking at him, a hand caressing his face. 

Ruby. 

Sam jumped up in horror. “What are you doing here???”

“Relax, Sam” Ruby sighed like a blimp deflating into a waiter of yarn. 

Sam looked at Ruby and noticed she had a beer belly. She was also holding a trombone. 

“I just wanted to help you out” Ruby said with a smile. 

Sam stared at her belly and said “I don’t need your help. I don’t need anything from you - ever again! You’re dead, get out!”

“Sam, I have to play you my song. Don’t stare at my pooza” Ruby pouted “just one note and I’ll be out of your hair.”

“Get. OUT!” Sam said, standing up and pushing Ruby like a linebacker pushes a toy version of himself into a sewer of joy. 

Ruby looked a little scared but said “I have to do this Sam. Lucifer’s orders.”

She began to play the trombone, which sounded so British it hurt. “Oh bloody hell! Sorry! We’ll get it sorted!” the trombone played loudly, balancing on Ruby’s distended belly. 

Dean burst into the room and Sam balked. “THIS ISN’T A DREAM?”

With that, Dean drove the demon blade into Ruby’s back and she died with a series of flashing orange lights coursing through her skeleton. She crumpled to the floor as the trombone let out a last “bugger off!”

“Thanks” Sam panted at Dean. 

“I thought we killed her” Dean said worriedly. 

“Well, I guess in our lives you can’t rule anything out” Sam said “but I never want to see her again.” 

“Me neither” Dean said as Ruby disappeared. The trombone remained and Sam and Dean refused to touch it. 

Sam hugged Dean and Dean grimaced. “Oh come on man, what is this, The Notebook?”

“Have you even seen that movie, Dean? This is just a simple human gesture” Sam said, drawing back and rolling his eyes. 

Dean smiled and said “come on, let’s roll.”

A pizza rolled in.


End file.
